2.03.2006

Nearsighted & Fat-headed

When I purchased these cute glasses from LensCrafters a few years ago, I wishfully though they would be my last pair. Surely Jesus or Lasik surgery would come soon. This particular pair did not make it to the apocalypse, though. The anti-reflective coating used by mall optometrists is terrible. Within a few months, it started flaking away, giving me a decidedly psychedelic look. I probably was still within the range of the warranty, but I'd already made them cough up another pair when they forgot to "roll" the edges on my ultra-thick lenses.

I am really, really nearsighted. So much so that it took two weeks to fill my prescription at the one-hour shop. It runs in the family. I am relatively sure that I win the prize for the blindest Willis, but that depends on whether the bats that used to live in Marie's house still count. Being superlatively near-sighted means that you have to get all the bells and whistles unless you want your glasses to be so heavy your head lolls. LensCrafters, like soft contact lenses, doesn't exist for people like me. I have to go to what I shall call "real eye doctors," for lack of a better term. Doctors with access to reflective coating that doesn't hypnotize whoever I'm talking to.

Everything was going swimmingly at my new private practice optometry office until I got to the part where I pick out new frames. I realized forgot to bring my contacts along, so every time I tried on frames I had to shove my face an inch from the mirror so I could see how they looked. And that's being generous; a few times I bumped my nose trying to get a clear shot.

What's more, in addition to being unusually near-sighted, I am also abnormally fat-headed. I soon discovered that the only ones that fit were designed for the gentlemen. I'd given up on their in-stock frames and was poring over an enormous catalogue looking for plus size frames when the very patient Glasses Lady discovered that they had a pair of Kate Spades for fat-heads after all.

I love them. They are not ridiculously skinny (I'm all for hipster granny lenses, but when they're approximately the same width as a CD case, that's getting a little silly). They do not squeeze my temples. They are a little more grown-up than my pink + blue = purple frames. And best of all, in a week I'll be able to see again.

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