I tried to be a big jerk today, but I just couldn't do it. Or more accurately, I was a big jerk today, but I didn't go through with it. Completely.
Lara's in town tonight. Beloved Lara, with whom I used to spend hours every week, if not every day. It's been tough, this post-seminary time, to maintain our conversations that never really seemed to start or finish, but just flowed on in endless song.
And then KCRW announced a ticket giveaway. Rufus Wainwright. Teddy Thompson.
Did I call? I wish I could tell you I didn't. I wish I could tell you that I'm just immediately a good friend, but I'm not. I called, and I won them.
I was still on hold with the station when I met Lara for our short lunch date before she headed off to her conference. She came bearing peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. And baked Kettle chips. And chocolate.
And I came bearing short-lived excitement that I'd won the tickets.
It was immediately clear that I had made the Wrong Choice. No matter that Lara said to go ahead and try to win the tickets (she didn't mean it, and I knew it). No matter that she was going to get back from the conference late anyway. We had plans and I double-booked. We had the kind of argument that I only have with her, which involves a lot of making one another laugh and commenting on the process of the argument, even though we were both acutely aware that we were really upset. Like when I reminded her of how mad I was when she talked during the Over the Rhine concert. I didn't just bring it up, I told her I was playing the oldest trick in the book, which is to throw an old complaint at the one who has a valid current complaint.
It became very clear that I am not willing to trade hurting Lara for Rufus Wainwright tickets. In fact, it became so clear that Lara accused me of taking the fun out of it, because I was so readily agreeing with her. I called and figured out how to unwin the tickets, so someone else can go in our stead. Tonight when Lara gets back from the conference, we'll be fine, and I'll show her this blog post (which she would never read on her own because she does not ever read my blog), and we'll finally talk about what we would have talked about (whatever that may be) before I was a big jerk.